Normandy Ship Rules
by ECOWhiskey
Summary: A little sideline in the ME2 universe. An attempt to impose order on the chaos that is the Normandy. As ever just for fun, not for profit.


As the Normandy's team came together Commander Shepard's frankly relaxed view on discipline resulted in a number of troubling incidents that threated chaos in what had previously been a hyper organized and regulated atmosphere.

Eventually, after extreme pressure from Operative Lawson, Shepard agreed to a set of published ship rules on the mess notice board as a line in the sand to try and prevent some of the more potentially catastrophic behavior from continuing, or at least control it.

The list is published below. All crew are instructed to read it.

* * *

 **Normandy SR2 - Ship Rules.**

1) Commander Shepard is not a 'robo-zombie', all crew are instructed to stop referring to him as such.

\- This includes Commander Shepard, no matter how 'Cool' he may think the name is.

2) 'Calibrating' is not a euphemism for anything.

\- If it is it is disgusting and we do not want to know the details.

3) 'God kill it, kill it with fire' is unacceptable as a fire order in combat, when referring to the main course at lunch it is just unkind and not called for.

4) 'Shit we're all going to die' is not a valid tactical assessment of a combat situation.

\- Neither is 'That's it game over man, game over what the fuck are we going to do.'

5) Cerberus has gone to some expense to ensure every crew member has their own bunk. With that in mind all crew are instructed to use it. Two persons to a bunk is not acceptable, no matter how pretty or athletic your bunkmate may be.

6) The quartermaster works very hard to provide an essential service. He is not there to be abused and will not accept requisitions for:

\- A sex life

\- Sheep

\- Anything for Sargent I.P. Freely

\- Dead Squid

\- Live Squid

\- Missiles with lasers on them

\- Sharks with lasers on them

\- Laser guided sharks

\- Tartan paint

\- Elbow grease

\- A sense of humour for the XO

\- A brain for the CO

\- Shepard's story, the erotic edition

\- Flibble (we don't know what or who it is and we don't care)

\- A new quartermaster

\- Inflatable Sheep

\- A replacement for a dead parrot

7) Commander Shepard wants to know what the hell that _**THING**_ was and how the hell it got into his shower.

\- The Commander also wants it to be known that he will find out who's responsible.

\- Also he wants it to be known when he finds out it was Garrus he will bounce him off the walls.

8) There is no excuse for watching porn at your station

\- There is no excuse for listening to porn at your station

\- Removing the porn does not count as a 'hostile work environment'

9) Volus ball is strictly banned.

\- We don't care if this is disrespectful of Krogan traditions.

\- Volus golf is now also banned.

10) Akido, Krav Maga, Jujitsu and all other martial arts are not possible in high heels. Operative Lawson is the exception which proves the rule. All others are now banned from attempting to learn.

\- This includes male crew members.

11) Whatever you were told at school there _are_ stupid questions.

\- There are also stupid ideas.

12) The ship is not also known as 'Normandus Prime', nor can it transform into a giant combat mech on command. Stop spreading these rumours.

13) Commander Shepard did not scare death so much that death let him go.

14) You are not the rightful heir to the throne of earth

\- You are not the rightful heir to the throne of mars or any other celestial body

15) Commander Shepard did not once kill a Collector just by looking at it.

16) We did not recruit the ships company from a high security facility for the criminally insane.

\- Not did we recruit them from a super-max prison…..with one exception.

17) All experiments to attempt to develop a sentient fungus will stop immediately.

\- All experiments to develop a semi sentient fungus will also stop immediately.

\- All experiments to develop a sentient mould will also stop immediately.

\- Dr Solus this includes you.

18) Painting stripes on the Hammerhead will not in fact make it go faster.

\- Nor will painting it red.

19) After the 'incident' no unauthorised personnel are allowed to try to cook in the galley without the XO's approval in writing. Salmonella is not our friend.

20) The ships motto is 'Vanguard of Victory', it is _not_ :

\- Sexy and you know it.

\- The craziest bunch of bastards you'll ever meet.

\- Humanities last, stupidest hope for peace.

\- Because the real hero's couldn't be bothered.

\- To seek out new life and new civilisations….and shell them from orbit.

21) Commander Shepard cannot cut through a hot knife with butter.

22) Casual Friday is not allowed on board, you can therefore imagine our policy on clothing optional Thursday.

23) Tali'Zorah vas Neema is extremely busy, she does not have time to fix 'widgets, thingies, whatchamacallits, do-dahs or one of those things', if you cannot accurately name a device and describe it's function don't bring it to her.

24) Alliance special forces do not run an underwater knife fighting coarse, therefore Commander Shepard did not graduate from this course with honours. Stop spreading these rumors.

\- This is not because he was kicked off the course for excessive 'stabbyness', to clarify the Alliance has _never_ run an underwater knife fighting course.

\- All personnel are banned from trying to run an underwater knife fighting course.

\- All personnel are banned from trying to run a zero gravity knife fighting course.

\- The XO has neither the time or the inclination to show you how and where she hides those knives.

25) While Discipline is more relaxed on the Normandy than an Alliance ship there are correct ways to respond to a roll call. 'Here' or 'Present Sir/Marm' is acceptable. They following are not:

\- Arrr Jim lad, Arrr.

\- Aye Cap'n.

\- Sucks.

26) The ship does not have a mascot. The ship does not need a mascot. The ship is not getting a mascot. Stop bringing specimens of local fauna back as potential mascots.

27) Commander Shepard sleeps like a normal person he does not 'wait.'

28) Garrus Vakarian cannot shoot the wings off a fly with a sniper rifle, STOP daring him to try it with a Thanix cannon.

\- The first part of this rule is withdrawn in light of recent events, the remainder still stands.

29) The Captain's cabin is by invitation only, we don't care how much your gullible date 'just wanted to see it.'

30) Commander Shepard cannot kill two stones with one bird.

31) The XO is not psychic, but she does know what you're thinking.

– She also knows your guilty secretes.

32) Cerberus encrypted communications channels are not for contacting pay per minute 'com-sex' lines, this is strictly forbidden.

33) While healthy competition is encouraged, wasabi eating contests are now strictly banned.

34) Commander Shepard has never made an onion cry, chiefly because onions, being vegetables, are incapable of crying.

35) Bug spray does not work on Collectors, do not attempt to use it in combat.

\- Because we tried, that's how we know.

36) The XO is not a witch.

\- She will not melt on contact with water.

\- For the record she has read that book and thinks this is the most ridiculous weakness of a villain in classical literature.

\- Her weight relative to a duck has no bearing on anything.

37) The armoury is for storing weapons. Whoever put the medieval suit of armour in their we applaud your effort but come and collect it, we don't want it.

38) Commander Shepard's middle name is Alexander. It is not any of the following.

\- Danger.

\- Sexy.

\- Matilda.

\- Ass kicker.

\- Need to know.

39) Apparently people need a reminder. Put simply when the pin is pulled Mr Grenade is not our friend.

40) If you mess with the COs coffee first thing in the morning then the consequences are on your head.

41) No one on board has an evil twin and therefore you are not allowed to blame mistakes or infringements of the rules on non-existent evil twins.

\- Nor does anyone have an evil clone, that is just ridiculous.

42) 'But Commander Shepard did it/does it' is never an excuse for anything ever.

43) If you wish to claim a religious holiday as a day off you will be expected to spell the holiday correctly first.

\- There is no such thing as 'Intergalactic Shepard day.'

\- Nor is there such a thing as the 'Festival of headbutting.'

\- Turians do not celebrate St Patricks day.

44) You are not allowed to offer guided tours of the Normandy to the general public for a reasonable fee.

\- You are not allowed to offer guided tours of the Normandy for an extortionate fee.

45) Butter is never the answer.

46) Anyone who wishes to challenge the XO to a duel to the death should bear in mind that she actually knows how to use a sword.

47) Stop daring Urdnot Grunt to eat household objects, we're running low on stationary.

48) 'Booby traps' have nothing at all to do with the female anatomy.

\- A bra will not protect you from a booby trap.

49) Geth do not keep toasters as pets. Stop telling people they do.

50) Anything that results in the CO or XO having to leave their beds between the hours of 00.00 and 06.00 is going to result in someone being made to regret the day they were born.

51) The Normandy SR-2's propulsion system is a state of the art mass effect drive. It does not run on 'Hamster power.'

\- Tali'Zorah is not to be referred to as hamster trainer in chief.

\- The XO has absolutely no interest in the stock of Hamster food on board and does not want this included in her daily reports.

\- Shouting 'Run hamsters, run" will not make the ship go faster.

\- The helmsman is forbidden for asking for 'Hamster power' or any derivative there of.

52) The boogie man does not exist and he certainly does not check his bedroom closet for Commander Shepard before he goes to bed.

53) Commander Shepard cannot eat soup with chopsticks.

\- Commander Shepard is asked to stop attempting to disprove the above statement, it will not work and is extremely messy.

54) Dr Chacwas is extremely busy as the ships medic and has no sense of humor when it comes to time wasting. To clarify burning love is a classic rock song most famously performed by legendary singer Elvis Presley in 1972. It is **_NOT_ **something which can be caught through sexual contact or something you will need a coarse of antibiotics for. Dr Chacwas will not treat any more suspected cases.

\- Dr Mordin Solus however is happy to treat any suspected cases, however will need to examine the affected area with his special probes.

55) Mess Sargent Gardener is not a secrete agent sent by the Reapers in an evil plot to poison us all. Stop spreading these rumors.

56) There is no such thing as 'Shipmates with benefits.'

57) Commander Shepard has no authority to perform weddings, baptisms or divorces.

\- It doesn't matter what he says, he doesn't have it.

\- Kasumi Goto is not a registered minister on the Hannar home world.

\- If someone cannot standup unassisted they are too drunk to get married.

58) The Normandy is the property of Cerberus. Crew members are not allowed to wager it in games of chance while on shore leave.

\- Poker counts as a game of chance, no matter how much 'skill' you think is involved.

59) Someone once said if you follow your star, wish with all your heart and dare to dream you can achieve anything. That person was an idiot.

60) The next person who put's Commander Shepard's name down on subscription lists for hard core, geriatric, adult materials will die slowly and painfully.

61) Crew members are banned from hacking security locks because they forgot their keys/passes

\- Crew are banned from hacking security locks for any other reason.

\- This includes Tali'Zorah. We don't care if she built the lock.

\- This also includes Commander Shepard.

\- If anyone can work out how Kasumi Goto is doing it we will stop her.

62) Whoever thought the idea of space walking in hard suits out in front of the Normandy while docked at Omega and washing the widows with a sponge and a squigie for a credit should remember that water freezes solid in space. _Never again_.

63) The following phrases will never be uttered within Operative Lawson's hearing.

\- Chill out it's no big deal.

\- Trust me I saw it on a vid once.

\- I mean how hard can it be?

\- What's the worse that could happen?

\- With a bit of luck it should all work.

\- This should be a piece of cake.

\- Touch wood.

\- It's a million to one shot but it just might work.

\- Odds are.

\- I've seen it done a thousand time.

\- I've got a gut feeling.

\- Relax we're professionals.

64) A direct plan of action for assaulting a fortified position will never involve male members of the crew disguising themselves as washerwomen.

65) All command level paper work will come to Operative Lawson, no exceptions. Commander Shepard is not to be entrusted with paperwork under any circumstances.

66) Frigates are not created when a mummy dreadnought and a daddy dreadnought, who love each other very much, get certain urgings. Strop spreading these rumors.

\- The Normandy is not a result of a tryst between the SSV Everest and a Turian dreadnought.

67) Flibble does not have command authority.

\- Flibble cannot issue orders.

\- Flibble cannot countermand existing orders.

\- Flibble does not possess the Normandy's self destruct codes.

68) Commander Shepard use's a standard issue Alliance commando combat knife with a 25cm blade made of ultra-high carbon hardened steel. it is not:

\- Forged in the heart of a dying star.

\- Forged beyond the gates of hell.

\- Quenched in the blood of a dragon.

69) You may not blame 'Fred the Ghost' of anything which goes missing or is done wrong. If the perpetrator is not caught then the entire ship will suffer.

\- Operative Lawson will always catch the perpetrator.

70) Status reports, morning briefings and threat assessments will never again be delivered through the medium of dance.

71) Never, ever, ever replace Commander Shepard's coffee with de-caf.

72) We use standard alpha-numeric call signs for deployed teams which are assigned before a mission in order to increase flexibility and security. Call signs will not be any of the following:

\- Archangel and the angelets.

\- The Beautiful Bastards.

\- The Big Damn Heros.

\- The Red Shirts

\- Shepard and the sheep.

\- The Wolf Pack.

\- The N-Team

73) We do not have 'squad goals.'

74) Anyone who thinks that 'Into the Jaws of Death, Into the Mouth of Hell' is a good squad motto should really research the poem this quote is taken from and the historic events it is based upon.

75) Tripple A (AAA) in the context of a combat briefing can be taken to mean Anti-Aircraft Artillery **NOT** Alliance Aircar Association.

76) The question 'How can you possibly be this stupid' is rhetorical.

\- As is the question 'Just how incompetent are you.'

77) 'Yes Please' is not an acceptable entry into the 'Sex' box on official forms.

78) No matter how may petitions are organized the Normandy SR2 is _**not** _changing it's name to 'Shippy McShip Face', not now, not later, not ever.

79) FENRIS mechs cannot be taught to play fetch.

80) Commander Shepard is not a 'terminator'.

81) Stop telling Jack she 'Punches like a girl', Zaeed's broken jaw is the last one we want to set.

* * *

 **Authors Note** : This is a bit of fun I decided to play with. It's set in the same universe as 'Brothers in Arms' during the ME 2 time period.

Hopefully people find it amusing and a little thank you for sticking with me given my extremely poor record at updating Brothers in Arms which I am working on and hoping to get back to more frequent updates.

I make no apologies for clichéd pop culture references ;).

I may add to this list over time and am happy to take suggestions for rules either in reviews or in PM.


End file.
